Banazîr the Jedi Hobbit (banazir) wrote,
Banazîr the Jedi Hobbit

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Dearly Beloved, I'm Going To The Special Hell

From the Confessions of Banazirius the Younger comes this teuncy tale which only gondhir (IIRC) has heard.

A little conversation with miajesbar and yahvah's story about his first kiss at age 5 reminded me of how banazir became an ordained minister of the Church of Playground Shotgun Weddings.

Yes, I really did do that. Paired up all of the boys and girls in Arlington Baptist's 1st grade class under Mrs. Evans and 2nd grade class under Ms. Eckert. The "best man" was basically the strongest boy - I would have the ushers actually gag the groom so he couldn't object.

SCENE: A blacktop outside Arlington Baptist Elementary. Fall, 1980.

BANAZIR: If there be anyone present - anyone at all - who can give just cause why Danny and Kristin should not be wed, let him speak now or---
DANNY: Mmpphll! Mhhhppplwwllllghwwwwhhh!
LANCE: I think he says she has cooties, Billy.
BANAZIR: --- or forever hold his peace! No? (Sotto voce) Hold him tighter, Nicky. Very well, then. Danny, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love, honor and cherish, for richer or for poorer, in sickness (over DANNY'S smothered screams) in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as you both shall live?
DANNY: (struggling weakly, jerking his head back and forth laterally, trying to bite NICKY'S hand as ADAM clamps his arms) MMMLL!
BANAZIR: (nonchalantly) Kristin, do you... etc.
KRISTIN'S FRIENDS: (giggling uncontrollably) Yeah, she does!
BANAZIR: Excellent! Then by the power vested in me by Ms. Eckert's class, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
DANNY gets loose, clocking ADAM (last week's victim) on the chin, and bolts shrieking from the playground.

Yeah, I'm going to the special hell. ;-)


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