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You might be a Redneck Hobbit if...

Some highlights from the original IRC chat in June, 2000 that led to the "Redneck Hobbit" list:

[Banazir] The closest you ever got to Bag End was the All-Shire Monster Waggon Pull.
[Banazir] One of your ancestors is believed to have become a barrow wight when he went up to steal a cairn stone in the Barrow Downs.
[Banazir] You played NASCAR trivia with Gollum or Smaug instead of a riddle game.
[Banazir] Your brother's last words were, "Trust me, Mr. Frodo, this rope's tied real @(&! ti---"
[Banazir] You've ever managed to let a mithril shirt rust.
[Banazir] Your girlfriend likes getting elanor bouquets.

[MOM] You approve of dwarves 'cause they look like ZZ Top.

[Ojevind] All the trailers in the trailer park where you live have round doors.
[Ojevind] You distrust Bill Ferny because of his "fancy accent".

[Suss] You say to Denethor: "Li'l service, no doubt, will so great a lo'd of min reckon t'find in a hobbit, a ha'flin' fum th' no'thern shire; yet sech as it is, ah will offer it, in payment of mah debt."

[Tribimat] You have an "I shot the Shiriff" bumper sticker on your waggon.

[Varnast] You dynamite the Water for fish.

A few more from the original thread (in alt.fan.tolkien in January, 2002):

[Banazir] The people of Minas Tirith refer to you as Calimbo i Pheriannath (Sindarin: "uncivilized brute of the halflings").
[Banazir] At a Sackville cotillion, you committed the faux pas of dousing your foot hair with a finger bowl.
[Banazir] Your wife chained your pony to a post to keep you from going drinking at the Green Dragon, but she forgot about your old pet deer. (Apologies to George Jones and Vince Gill)
[Banazir] An Ent tried to stomp you even after he heard you talking.
[Banazir] Saruman calls the House of Eorl "a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor amid the dogs" ... and you can't figure out why that's an insult.
[Banazir] Your reward from the hoard of Scatha the Worm was an bucket of insect repellent wax.

[Bruce Hietbrink] ...when the old wizard pulls up with a wagon full of packages, you think they're marked "G" for "grits."

[Jubilation T. Cornpone] You have Gandalf's old cart up on cinder blocks in your front yard (they jes' don't make 'em like they used to).

[D. Grib] Somebody mentions the Crack of Doom and you think they're talking about what appears when your brother Billy Hob bends over.
[D. Grib] You double-dawg-dare the Nazgul to cross the Ford.

[Ojevind Lang] You call Boromir "Bo".
[Ojevind Lang] Orcs are offended by your language.

[cheDpa] You have a bumper sticker on your wagon that says... "Middle Earth: love it or leave it". (obviously in Elvish)

This started a bumper sticker craze:

[Mr. Pink] "Don't blame me, I voted for Saruman."
[Ojevind Lang] "IMPEACH GANDALF".
[Banazir] "Morgul-blades don't kill hobbits; Nazgul do."
[Banazir] "My Shire, right or wrong."
[Banazir] "My wizard can beat up your wizard."
[Banazir] "Warning: waggon protected by pit bull with Black Breath."

Don Q. has collected many of the above in a web page, for easy reference.

(Cross-posted to hobbits and laughlorien)

Jedi Hobbit of TEUNC and AFT/RABT


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Mar. 4th, 2003 08:52 am (UTC)
That one let to a string of wain stickers:

"They can have my Ring of Power when they cut it from my cold, dead finger."
"Arnorian by birth, Shire-hobbit by the Grace of Eru."

You might be a Redneck ranger if:

... you say "Yo! I done found it!" when you come across a seedling of the White Tree.
... the Loremaster of the Houses of Healing gives you a long speech about why it's important to "scrub in".
... the Tale of Years records that your granpappy was "slain by trolls" but it conveniently fails to document that he was gambling with them (and winning a little too much).
... your coronation speech is an announcement that you and your descendants are here to stay until the end of the world. (Trailer park, indeed!)
... your parents married so young that even the Elves took note.

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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