Banazîr the Jedi Hobbit (banazir) wrote,
Banazîr the Jedi Hobbit
banazir

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A Wet Night in London - a TEUNC skit

From #teunc chat, reposted by request.

Setting: mid-19th century London
Cast:
Tripitaka - a London street urchin
banazir - a Nazgul Sith and a Jedi Hobbit
figgylicious (Figgy) - a schoolteacher
taiji_jian (Paganini) - a passerby

[20:18:52] * Tripitaka ain't misbehavin'
[20:19:04] * figgy gives Tripitaka a Stern Look
[20:19:12] <Tripitaka> Eek!
[20:20:08] <figgy> what have you done!
[20:20:17] <Tripitaka> La, ma'am!
[20:20:24] <Tripitaka> It wasn't me!
[20:21:01] <figgy> I saw you!
[20:21:45] <Tripitaka> Don't tell on a poor sarvant boy, mum!
[20:22:19] <Tripitaka> It warn't even worth a copper!
[20:22:55] <Tripitaka> I'll give it back, I swar, mum
[20:23:03] <Tripitaka> When I've finished using it
[20:23:22] <figgy> but then it won't be useful!
[20:23:23] <Tripitaka> To open a hole in the spacetime continuum
[20:23:29] <figgy> uhoh
[20:23:32] <Tripitaka> And admit the Lethon hordes
[20:24:18] <Tripitaka> Who will submerge London 'neath the waves and commence their fishy reign
[20:24:39] <Tripitaka> Honest, it'll take less than an hour, mum!
[20:24:55] <Tripitaka> Then everyone will be running screaming about the end of the world and nobody'll even care no more!
[20:25:18] <Tripitaka> You must let me have it, mum, you must
[20:25:27] <Tripitaka> Or how else can I serve our Lethon overlords?
[20:26:01] * Tripitaka holds a grubby little cap in front of his chest and blinks his big liquid doe eyes persuasively
[20:26:09] <Tripitaka> Please mum?
[20:26:36] * figgy raises a doubtfull eyebrow
[20:26:55] <figgy> I think you should get back to school like a good like urchin
[20:26:59] * Tripitaka lets drop a solitary tear
[20:27:17] <figgy> tears won't work I tells ya!
[20:27:26] <Tripitaka> Awrr! But there ain't no use for readin' and writin' to one like me!
[20:27:41] <figgy> you can learn how not to be a bad, bad urchin
[20:27:51] <Tripitaka> And what use is schoolin' when we are driven to the underwater pens of the Lethons?
[20:28:13] <Tripitaka> I'm not so bad as all that, mum
[20:28:14] <figgy> you're the one who wants to let them in!
[20:28:35] <Tripitaka> I merely want to overthrow the established order and convey title of the Earth to an alien race is all!
[20:28:40] <figgy> oh fine
[20:28:43] <figgy> stop bugging me
[20:28:44] <Tripitaka> Pastor never said nothin' about that!
[20:28:47] * figgy gives you a coin
[20:28:54] <figgy> but you know it's bad
[20:28:55] <Tripitaka> Thanx mum!
[20:29:02] <figgy> now you watch out for the consequences.
[20:29:07] <figgy> and don't let them get me
[20:29:13] <Tripitaka> Would it make me poor departed saintly mother cry?
[20:29:50] <figgy> yes
[20:29:51] <figgy> very much!
[20:29:58] <figgy> break her heart!
[20:30:15] <figgy> everythiung she taught you, gone to waste
[20:31:01] <figgy> brb
[20:34:00] * Tripitaka idly plays with a small watch-like object
[20:36:04] <NazgulSith> Oh?
[20:36:15] <NazgulSith> What kind of watch?
[20:36:16] <Tripitaka> Ere, guv'nor!
[20:37:04] <Tripitaka> Jou happen to have such a thing as an electric battery?
[20:37:20] <Tripitaka> Me transtemporal rift inducer's done lost its power, it has?
[20:37:54] <Tripitaka> And blimey if I've got the time to stand around waitin' for lightnin' ter strike!
[20:38:11] <Tripitaka> Yew look like a man of science, yew do
[20:38:28] <Tripitaka> And I'd wager a quid yew've got yer very own electrical apparaytus
[20:38:42] <Tripitaka> Arvent yew guvnor?
[20:39:06] <NazgulSith> Well
[20:39:21] * NazgulSith has a van der Graff generator
[20:39:28] <Tripitaka> Gor blimey!
[20:41:58] <Tripitaka> I'll wager the Lethons'll give a pretty penny for the secret o' that!
[20:42:12] <NazgulSith> Why are you working for the Lethons?
[20:43:00] <NazgulSith> You should work for me, boy
[20:43:00] * NazgulSith gives 3p a coin stamped with the Imperial insignia
[20:43:00] * Tripitaka bites it
[20:43:00] <Tripitaka> Stringe metal
[20:43:00] <Tripitaka> Wots it made of?
[20:43:16] <NazgulSith> Durotanium-plated gold
[20:43:18] <Tripitaka> Yew wouldn't be passin' funny money on an honest urchin, would ye?
[20:43:32] <NazgulSith> I assure you there's nothing funny about it
[20:43:49] <Tripitaka> The Lethons promised me I'd be a prince among the fishfolk!
[20:44:04] <NazgulSith> I can arrange to pay you in pure gold, if you prefer
[20:44:22] <Tripitaka> They said they were looking for mallyerble younguns to guide the future jenny-rations
[20:44:37] <NazgulSith> A prince, eh?
[20:44:48] <Tripitaka> When the older types were embloscerated
[20:44:52] <Tripitaka> Or summat like that
[20:44:56] <Tripitaka> Yee
[20:44:57] <NazgulSith> Do you know how long that takes?
[20:44:59] <Tripitaka> A preince
[20:45:02] <Tripitaka> Nope
[20:45:06] <NazgulSith> Among the fish folk
[20:45:11] <NazgulSith> who live for MILLENIA
[20:45:24] <NazgulSith> You'll be long dead and gone, child
[20:45:25] <Tripitaka> Well
[20:45:28] <NazgulSith> Come with me
[20:45:34] <NazgulSith> and I will show you your TRUE potential
[20:45:46] <NazgulSith> You have a strong will
[20:46:09] <Tripitaka> Maybe I could live for millionias too
[20:46:09] <NazgulSith> I can make you powerful enough to take anything you wish from the fish folk
[20:46:28] <Tripitaka> Can I rule over Lunnon?
[20:46:39] <NazgulSith> To defeat death requires power greater than anything the Lethons will ever allow you to have
[20:46:52] <NazgulSith> London?
[20:47:06] <NazgulSith> Set your sights higher, boy
[20:47:48] <Tripitaka> Er... Middlesex?
[20:48:25] * NazgulSith laughs coolly
[20:48:33] <NazgulSith> Higher than that!
[20:48:50] <Tripitaka> Oh, my stars -- Middlesex AND Essex!
[20:48:59] <Tripitaka> Why, that's almost the whole world!
[20:49:48] <Tripitaka> But what am I going to do with Our Belurved Queen?
[20:49:58] <Tripitaka> The Lethons were going to eat her
[20:49:58] <NazgulSith> *A* world
[20:50:05] <Tripitaka> But I don't think I could do that

Exit Nazgul Sith.
At length, a Jedi Hobbit enters.

[20:57:46] <Tripitaka> Ere, oo are you?!
[20:58:04] <Tripitaka> And where did the noice jennamun in the black cape go?
[20:59:25] <Tripitaka> E woz the on'y one 'oo woz ever kind ter me... *snif*
[21:00:07] <Tripitaka> E promised I would rule worlds, e did! And Middlesex AND Essex!
[21:00:33] * figgy is now known as sortafig
[21:01:01] <Tripitaka> Ere, it's the noice lydee agin
[21:01:24] <Tripitaka> Got arf-pence for a poor urchin?
[21:01:51] * sortafig finds some drugs
[21:02:00] <sortafig> get outta ma way!
[21:02:09] <Tripitaka> There's Doc Jekyll's down the road
[21:02:21] * Tripitaka stands aside as the fierce lady rushes by
[21:02:36] <Tripitaka> Wotch out fer the carriage!
[21:03:25] <Tripitaka> Naow I've lost both me benny-factors. I guess it'll arfter be the Lethons, then...
[21:03:30] <sortafig> lol
[21:03:36] * paganini has joined #teunc
[21:03:44] <sortafig> pag
[21:03:46] <Tripitaka> Ere, guvnor, got a quid?
[21:03:47] <sortafig> help
[21:03:48] <paganini> fig
[21:03:57] <sortafig> pag's gone Dickens urchin on us
[21:03:57] <paganini> Wossup?
[21:03:58] <Tripitaka> Lydee needs a doctor
[21:04:02] <paganini> ??
[21:04:06] <paganini> I have?
[21:04:09] <Tripitaka> She wants drugs fer wot ails er
[21:04:19] <sortafig> er
[21:04:20] <sortafig> not you
[21:04:20] <sortafig> trip
[21:04:27] <paganini> Oh
[21:04:28] <paganini> OK
[21:04:30] <paganini> WHY?
[21:04:31] <sortafig> lol
[21:04:34] <sortafig> I don't know!
[21:04:43] <paganini> I bet it was your fault!
[21:04:46] <Tripitaka> And she arf mad with the itch, the pox, the mumps, the Jumman AND the French measle
[21:04:51] <sortafig> no it wasn't :(
[21:04:53] <sortafig> bah
[21:04:56] <sortafig> I just have la grippe
[21:05:00] <paganini> ROFL
[21:05:02] <paganini> The Gripe
[21:05:03] <Tripitaka> The ague, the plague, the catarrh
[21:05:06] <paganini> Figgy = Gripe
[21:05:16] <sortafig> lol
[21:05:22] <sortafig> catarrh is such an ugly word
[21:05:36] <Tripitaka> She look more'n arf consumptive she do
[21:05:40] <Tripitaka> All wastin away
[21:05:51] <Tripitaka> Skinny as a pick-tooth
[21:05:52] * sortafig doesn't have the consumption!
[21:05:56] <sortafig> ha
[21:05:57] <sortafig> I wish
[21:06:09] <Banazir> There there, young man
[21:06:15] <Tripitaka> That's me diagnosis and I'se stickin' ter it
[21:06:22] * Banazir gives 3p a shilling and a piece of pie
[21:06:26] <Tripitaka> Owdy guvnor
[21:06:30] <Tripitaka> mm... eelpie?
[21:06:34] <Banazir> Yes!
[21:06:38] <Banazir> Do you like that?
[21:06:42] <Tripitaka> Naz
[21:06:47] <Banazir> Hrm
[21:06:53] <Banazir> Well have some peach cobbler then
[21:06:56] <Banazir> Don't you be talking to those dark nasty strangers
[21:07:03] <Banazir> They'll turn your head with stories
[21:07:04] <Tripitaka> Me mum's favrit woz toad-in-th'hole
[21:07:07] <Banazir> Some are even true
[21:07:14] <Banazir> Toad in the hole, eh?
[21:07:19] <Tripitaka> Wot about green scaly stringers with fins on their eads?
[21:07:19] * Banazir rummages in his bag
[21:07:21] <paganini> Pilfertude!
[21:07:23] <paganini> Theftosity!
[21:07:26] <Banazir> Try this
[21:07:34] <Tripitaka> Wot is it, guvnor?
[21:07:35] <Banazir> The scaly ones are just as bad
[21:07:54] <Tripitaka> Even if they promises yew a crown and a palace beneath the waves?
[21:08:00] <Banazir> It's a Yorkie pudding
[21:08:06] <Tripitaka> While they eats lal the adults
[21:08:13] <Tripitaka> Ooh, Yorkshire puddin
[21:08:16] <Tripitaka> It's black
[21:08:28] <paganini> O.o
[21:08:32] <paganini> Chinese Dickens
[21:08:43] <paganini> There is something my mind has never arranged in its viewing space before
[21:09:33] <Banazir> A crown and a palace, young man?
[21:09:34] <Tripitaka> This black puddin's so black
[21:09:36] <Banazir> Think of it
[21:09:39] <Tripitaka> Even the white bits are black
[21:09:44] * Tripitaka thinks of it
[21:09:50] <Banazir> Why would they let you rule over an empty land?
[21:09:53] <Tripitaka> Wunnerful, eh, guvnor?
[21:09:55] <Banazir> Full of fish?
[21:09:59] <Tripitaka> Twouldn't be empty
[21:10:05] <Tripitaka> There'd be all the children
[21:10:08] <Banazir> How would you even LIVE here?
[21:10:09] <Tripitaka> They wouldn't eat them
[21:10:17] <Tripitaka> They'd just turn 'em into fish-men
[21:10:18] <Banazir> And when the children grow up
[21:10:25] <Banazir> They'd be adults
[21:10:33] <Banazir> Which you just identified as fish food
[21:10:50] * paganini eats more cookies
[21:10:58] <Tripitaka> Hrm
[21:11:07] <Tripitaka> Maybe they doesn't eat adult fishmen?
[21:11:12] <sortafig> I was gonna make cookies
[21:11:16] <Tripitaka> They didn't zactly SAY that
[21:11:18] <sortafig> but I'd just sneeze all over them
[21:11:21] <sortafig> and no one wants that
[21:11:29] <Tripitaka> Yew've got cookies, mum?
[21:11:41] <sortafig> no :(
[21:11:45] <Tripitaka> Me poor starvin stummick would dearly love a fresh-baked cookie
[21:11:51] <Tripitaka> :(
[21:12:07] * Tripitaka makes sad puppy-dog eyes
[21:15:05] <paganini> Fig
[21:15:08] <paganini> If you sneezed on them
[21:15:12] <paganini> Then you could eat them all!
[21:17:08] <sortafig> yeah
[21:17:14] <sortafig> I could
[21:17:28] <sortafig> but I have as much energy as a sloth right now
[21:17:58] <Tripitaka> The Sloth, mum
[21:18:05] <Tripitaka> Is a South American mammal
[21:18:16] <Tripitaka> Wot lives upside down in th' trees
[21:18:28] <Tripitaka> Clinging by its toes, mum, if you'll believe it
[21:18:40] <sortafig> I do
[21:18:43] <sortafig> I've seen them
[21:18:51] <sortafig> they have the funniest faces of the animal kingdom
[21:19:00] <Tripitaka> I heard it from a traveller who had been to Valenzuela
[21:20:23] <paganini> I like "You make me want to be a better hobbig by eating more."
[21:20:31] <sortafig> hehe
[21:20:56] <Tripitaka> The hobbig, Sir, is a reptile wot burrows in the sands of Arrabia
[21:21:12] <Tripitaka> Its poison, sir, is such that a mere touch of its hinder claws means deeath
[21:21:27] <sortafig> I do not have claws :/
[21:21:35] <paganini> Why you calling me "sir," cully? I look gentry to you?
[21:22:01] <Tripitaka> Guvnor, anyone over five feet tall looks jennulmunly ter me
[21:22:04] * Banazir gives 3p a cookie
[21:22:08] <Banazir> CHOKLIT chip
[21:22:19] <Banazir> And to answer your question
[21:22:24] <Tripitaka> Gor blessy, guvnor!
[21:22:30] * Tripitaka munches
[21:22:44] <Banazir> as to adult fish men
[21:22:46] <Banazir> It depends
[21:22:54] <Banazir> Of their own tribes, they eat none
[21:23:11] <Banazir> Of rival tribes, the adult males are the favorite food of the brood queen
[21:23:31] <Banazir> I don't suppose you've ever seen a Lothan brood mother, though
[21:23:37] <Banazir> But tell me:
[21:23:52] <Banazir> Have you ever seen a human child turn into an adult fish-man?
[21:24:16] <Banazir> I'll tell you now that there's only one way a human turns into a fish-man
[21:24:35] <Tripitaka> No, but ow else could we swim about when Lunnon is submerged aneath the rising waters of the Great Northern Sea?
[21:24:53] <Tripitaka> Wossat, guvnor?
[21:25:13] <Banazir> As dinner, of course
[21:25:51] <Banazir> Inundation with ice-cold water doesn't do wonders for people's health
[21:26:04] <Banazir> But it does give them a few hours to flash-freeze the corpses
[21:26:22] <Banazir> I suppose a city such as London would provide a good year's worth of food
[21:26:28] <Tripitaka> Gor! Yer avin me on! Wot for would a band of world-conquering alien-beings want with tellin' stories ter a wee tyke of an innosent urchin?
[21:26:46] <Banazir> That is an interesting question, young master
[21:26:50] * Banazir gives 3p another cookie
[21:27:00] * Tripitaka munches happily
[21:27:09] <Banazir> I suppose the answer lies in what you can do for them
[21:27:29] <Banazir> What service have they asked of you, exactly?
[21:29:25] <Tripitaka> Well, I woz to obtain the transtemporal rift inducer from the laboratory of Dr. Ogilvy, and then use it to open a passage in the spatiotemporal continuum, so that they could slip in not merely in the ones and twos but by the thousands and tens of thousands
[21:29:44] <Banazir> Well! I think that answers it
[21:30:05] <Tripitaka> Then they could use their matter-propulsion ray to induce a tidal wave from the North Sea that would submerge Lunnon and the Low Countries
[21:30:20] <Tripitaka> Bringin' the far-famed British Hempire to 'er knees
[21:30:20] <Banazir> Sans your little pilfering act, their invasion might well be uncovered and stemmed
[21:30:44] <Banazir> With your help, though, they'd overwhelm England within a matter of hours
[21:31:07] <Tripitaka> That's right, guvnor
[21:31:10] <Banazir> Minutes, perhaps
[21:31:31] * Banazir starts scanning 3p surreptitiously with his sonic stethoscope
[21:31:37] <Tripitaka> And I'm to rule over the sunken city as their planny-potenshry
[21:31:51] <Banazir> I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, lad
[21:32:08] <Banazir> At best, a few English children might be kept as breeding stock
[21:32:18] <Tripitaka> But the jennamun in black says I could rule the whole world
[21:32:22] <Tripitaka> Or at least Middlesex
[21:32:29] <Banazir> But I wouldn't put it past the Lothans to eat the lot of you
[21:32:47] <Tripitaka> They're called Lethons...
[21:32:52] <Tripitaka> Acos they're lethal
[21:32:55] <Banazir> There's plenty more earthlings to use for their purposes
[21:33:03] <Banazir> Lethons, I see
[21:33:14] <Tripitaka> Is there also Lothans?
[21:33:21] * Banazir flips through his copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Space-Time Continuum
[21:33:27] <Tripitaka> Maybe they'll give me London without the drowning
[21:33:28] <Banazir> There's Lothans
[21:33:30] <Banazir> and Lethans
[21:33:35] <Banazir> and Lothians
[21:33:38] <Tripitaka> Where can I find the Lothans?
[21:33:45] <Tripitaka> Wotterbout Lethons?
[21:33:47] <Banazir> But LETHONS are just man-eating brutes
[21:33:50] <Tripitaka> Is they in your book?
[21:33:57] <Banazir> Did they look like this?
[21:34:02] * Banazir shows 3p a hologram
[21:34:04] <Tripitaka> They've got tridents
[21:34:10] <Tripitaka> And finny hands
[21:34:26] <Tripitaka> And a spiny thing with scaly webs what sticks outter their heads and down their spines
[21:34:43] <Tripitaka> They lays eggs I blieve
[21:35:09] <Tripitaka> And they has ter lay them in water
[21:35:23] <Tripitaka> And they can't survive out of the water for very long
[21:35:38] <Tripitaka> Or they would've stolen the transmajigger themselves
[21:35:57] <Banazir> Precisely
[21:36:00] <Banazir> Now
[21:36:06] <Banazir> Should they gain the land
[21:36:13] <Banazir> and inundate London
[21:36:22] <Banazir> What makes you think they would still need you?
[21:36:46] <Tripitaka> Acos they promised?
[21:37:06] <Tripitaka> I mean, who would lie to an urchin with such great adorable eyes?
[21:37:21] * Tripitaka goes all Elijah
[21:38:06] <Banazir> you know
[21:38:14] <Banazir> urchin eyes of both land and sea varieties
[21:38:25] <Banazir> are the most prized delicacies of the Lethons
[21:38:37] <Tripitaka> Cor! Wot brutal monsters!
[21:38:50] <Banazir> As for the dark-cloaked gentleman
[21:38:53] <Banazir> Well
[21:38:54] <Tripitaka> Eye-eatin' cold-blooded fish things!
[21:39:00] <Banazir> He may very well give you power and money
[21:39:04] <Tripitaka> Why, they're most as bad as the Germans!
[21:39:16] <Tripitaka> Eh?
[21:39:20] <Banazir> But he'd make you more evil than any German
[21:39:25] <Banazir> Almost any...
[21:39:31] <Tripitaka> The black-caped jennamun works for the Kaiser, does he?
[21:39:34] * Banazir looks ominously in the direction of the Channel
[21:40:09] * Banazir listens to an ominous musical refrain that seems to emanate from nowhere
[21:40:18] <Tripitaka> Or I hear that turble things happen in the prisons of the Czar of Russher
[21:40:23] <Banazir> Not exactly, boy
[21:40:27] * Banazir gives 3p another cookie
[21:40:31] <Tripitaka> Maybe he's one of *them*
[21:40:40] <Banazir> He works for another Emperor entirely
[21:40:47] <Tripitaka> They also say such things of the Turk and the Sicilians
[21:40:52] <Banazir> One worse than either of those you mentioned
[21:41:00] <Banazir> Worse than those, too
[21:41:30] <Banazir> Did he give you a minted coin, by any chance?
[21:41:40] <Banazir> One that glinted like gold but wasn't gold?
[21:41:40] <Tripitaka> Me Mum always said, "Be a good boy, sonny, or I'll sell yew ter the Turk!"
[21:42:15] * Disconnected
Session Close: Wed Jul 26 21:42:19 2006

Session Start: Wed Jul 26 21:46:26 2006
Session Ident: #teunc
[21:46:27] * Now talking in #teunc
[21:46:27] * Topic is ''lä Bob'
[21:46:27] * Set by Banazir on Wed Jul 26 19:24:15
[21:47:12] <Tripitaka> Ere, e's coming round
[21:47:17] * paganini has joined #teunc
[21:47:18] <Tripitaka> This jennamun'll be fine
[21:47:30] <Tripitaka> No need for worry constable
[21:47:44] <Tripitaka> E's 'ad the fainting sickness since e wor a tyke
[21:47:53] * Banazir shakes his head
[21:47:55] <Banazir> Who has?
[21:48:03] <Tripitaka> You, sir!
[21:48:15] <Banazir> But...
[21:48:16] <Tripitaka> You were out of commission for an ole minnit
[21:48:21] <Banazir> But YOU'RE a tyke!
[21:48:42] <Banazir> I felt... a great disturbance in the Force
[21:48:42] <Tripitaka> Ow else d'yer think yer got flat on yer back on the pavement of Wembley Street?
[21:49:09] <Tripitaka> E says funny things constable
[21:49:17] <Tripitaka> But I've known im all is life
[21:49:23] <Tripitaka> E'll be all right
[21:49:34] <Banazir> As if a great many souls cried out in unison
[21:49:38] <Banazir> and then were silent
[21:49:41] <Tripitaka> Oh
[21:49:43] * Rizanab has joined #teunc
[21:49:45] <Tripitaka> That'd be the Lethons
[21:49:59] <Tripitaka> They said something about a great darkness approaching their plane
[21:50:13] <Tripitaka> I figured it was just something they said
[21:51:20] <Banazir> Well
[21:51:26] <Banazir> Perhaps just this once
[21:51:39] <Banazir> The light side will win out
[21:51:45] <Banazir> At the least
[21:51:57] <Banazir> The good people of London have a lot to be thankful for tonight
[21:52:05] <Banazir> While you were here eating cookies
[21:52:10] * Banazir gives 3p another cookie
[21:52:15] <Tripitaka> Thanky guvnor
[21:52:31] <Banazir> The Nazgul Sith came by and destroyed the Lethon homeworld
[21:52:40] <Tripitaka> I feared it wor so
[21:52:48] <Tripitaka> *munch munch*


--
Banazir
Tags: humor, skits, teunc
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